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Monday, April 3, 2017

The Fat Gamer's Lament

Today I'm not going to talk about OSR stuff, or gaming in general.  If that's all you want or need from me, feel free to check out now.  I won't be upset or angry with you, cause I know you're here for the RPG stuff and not necessarily odd things about my personal life.

That's your one warning, there will be no others.

I'm fat.

You may not have known this about me, since I don't post alot of pictures of myself or talk about it much.  I'm a middle-aged (47), short, fat guy...5'5" and currently 257#.  I'm probably at my heaviest right now.  It's a train-wreck, and I'm feeling it aggressively.  My weight is affecting almost every area of my life, from work to fun to simply sitting around.  Clothes are uncomfortable to wear.  Sitting for long periods hurts my back.  I'm generally in a foul, if not outright angry mood.

Do you wanna know what the worst part is?

A few years ago I lost nearly 90#.  I was down to about 170# after alot of dieting and exercise, and I felt healthier and younger than I had in a decade.  It wasn't the first time I had lost significant weight.  In my mid 30's I got pretty big, and I lost 70+ pounds then too.  When push comes to shove, I know how to lose the weight and I can be pretty damn successful with it.  The older I get, however, the more daunting the challenge seems to be.  I'm really worried that if I start down the path to a 'healthy me' once again, a short time later I will be the same fat bastard I am right now, again.

I was a skinny kid, super thin.  That's not, BTW, because I didn't like food.  I ate burgers by the fistful, fries by the bunch, pizza slices one in each hand, and PB&J on white bread as a salad before every meal.  Boxes of Ring Dings would come in the house on Sunday and be gone by Monday.  I was unaffected by food in the physical sense, I remained lean and limber.  Most of my time was spent outside, riding my bike from one street to the next. I was the fastest kid on the street.

Sometime in my late-20's, this all ended.  Suddenly I was no longer wearing size 29 waist jeans.  I went from wearing small or medium shirts to large.  It was not a big deal.  I ignored it, assuming it would just go away, but the problem only increased, just like my waistline.  Before I knew what was happening I found myself wearing size 40 pants and XXL t-shirts.

I'm skipping over alot of other details here.  The other parts of my life that were good, or bad, but events and behaviors that ultimately led to my weight gain, or my weight loss.  There were some real tragedies in there, but the worst of them was all of the time and energy spent taking that weight off, only to have it return.  It sucks to meet a goal and then completely screw it up a short time later.

By now you're probably saying to yourself, "Wow, this guys is depressing the shit out of me.  Please stop.  Stop talking, stop whining, and for fuck's sake stop eating!"  I agree.  This has nothing to do with all that fun gaming stuff.  Playing RPG's is not like losing weight at all.

With D&D I have this perfect character, this archetypal fiction I can pretend to be so I don't have to think about, or worry about, real-world stuff.  I can escape into fantasy-land, kill some ogres, grab some gold, party at the tavern, and enjoy life to the fullest.  As the GM I can do you one better.  I control everything and everyone.  In my game, I am god, and nothing is too difficult, too important, or too overwhelming for me to handle.

Playing TTRPG's for me means I don't even have to leave my house, thanks to online VTT's like Fantasy Grounds and Roll20. I can sit at my desk, chips and soda in hand, and keep on playing til the cows come home (which, btw, I don't think they ever do).  It's gotten to the point that no matter what I'm doing, from playing in a game, to writing this blog, to creating an adventure module...moving from my desk isn't integral.

In no way am I saying that D&D made me fat.  That would be ridiculous.  I AM saying that the hobby I love so much hasn't exactly helped me stay thin.  If I'm going to once again start down the path that leads through the Tub-O-Lard Forest, down Less-Blubber road, and finally to Thin Town, then I need to be mindful of how much time i'm sitting here, doing this, as opposed to standing up, walking around, and doing something healthier for me.

I've started adjusting today.  Again.  Once more I've fired up the MyFitnessPal app on my phone, strapped on my Moto360 sport, and packed a healthy lunch that fits my numbers and my macros.  It's not a happy time, nor am I filled with hope for the future.  Knowing what lies ahead doesn't necessarily make it easier.  Having been here three times before, I can honestly say that I'm regretting (again) letting myself go.

Posting this half-rant to the blog is my way of publicly declaring my dedication to the process.  Sure, none of you reading this far will necessarily care any more about what happens to me and my weight problem than before you leaped into this rabbit-hole, but now I've said/done something publicly and I guess on some level I should be held accountable.  Consider yourself appointed.

Food isn't the problem, I am, but really doesn't help.

me on 4/3/17  47yrs 257#